Hello world, it’s been awhile. I believe the last time I wrote a post was during early volleyball season (Sept.-Oct.); I’ve just been going through a lot lately, and wasn’t feeling up to writing and sharing about it with all of y’all. But then today, something hit me. I started this new blog in order to draw people together through authenticity and vulnerability. Beneath the title on my home page it says, With vulnerability comes strength, and I believe that to be very true. So why did I not share my struggles with y’all? (especially because I’m not sure anyone even reads this haha!)
This week I felt like I was too much. Too many emotions, too many thoughts, too many insecurities to deal with, too much baggage to dig through. I was too much that no one was ever going to truly love all of my “muchness” in its fullness.
R&B artist Lorde recently came out with a new album, and in an interview she talked about the emotional inspiration behind her songs.
“I was crying because I was feeling this very specific feeling of being too much for somebody,” she said. ” It’s a very strange feeling when you feel like you’re too much. Like you’re taking up too much space. And I felt like no one could ever love me for all that I am because I’m a lot …I feel everything so deeply, and that’s what [new album] Melodrama is about; the depth of emotion, especially when you’re 19 or 20.”
I had never seen someone explain so perfectly what I felt, and that feeling resonated strongly with me this week.
I had spent the last several months feeling like I wasn’t enough- not strong enough, not brave enough, not smart enough, and not good enough- that I was surprised when I flipped to the opposite end of the spectrum. I went from not enough to too much in a matter of days.
I have been told that my heart and passion are both my strength AND my weakness. I feel so deeply and love so deeply that I can connect with people well yet at times those emotions can block my view or cause me to ruin relationships. I struggle to find the balance between the two but it can be hard at times.
I’m sharing this with you not to make you feel pity or sadness, but to show you that you aren’t alone if you’ve ever felt this way, and also to tell you that we are not defined by our worst or our best; we are defined by our God. And He loves us soooooooo much yet it will never be considered “too much.”
It’s just right. And you, in all of your fullness and emotions and love and feelings, are just right, because you were created by Someone who doesn’t make mistakes, and who has a perfect plan for all of those strengths and weaknesses.
One of my favorite songs lately is Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. Every time I hear it I’m reminded of how insanely amazing God’s love for me is, relentless in its pursuit, and not based on my actions. Not based on my doubts and insecurities and worries.
His love is not too much. It’s not not enough. It’s just right.
And so are you.
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me
FEARLESSLY AUTHENTIC 